The Remarkable 30

Six goals for six months.

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I’ve been sitting here wondering what could I possibly blog about tonight. Yes, it’s Friday night and I’m thinking about writing. I have a lot of anxiety built up and this is the only way I know to get it out.

I was searching through blog posts, trying to find some inspiration and I kept seeing all these posts about blogging challenges. So I thought why not post about my goals and things I need to change once and for all.

 

Here are my six goals for becoming healthy in six months or less.

Goal #1:
Stop smoking for good.
I was doing good, I actually quit for about a week. But then I slipped back into it. Truthfully, I don’t even understand why I keep going back. I feel so much worse when I do, and so much better when I don’t.

Goal #2:
Be more positive.
For the most part I am, so I guess what I’m trying to say is I need to be more positive within myself. I’ve dealt with depression in the past and I finally overcame it. But when I look at myself, I can still be my own worst enemy. I can rip myself apart in about two seconds and it takes an immensely long time to put that back together. Self confidence is definitely not my middle name. I then project that onto other people, thinking they look at me the way I do. Definitely a horrible habit I need to break.

Goal #3:
Drink more tea.
I’ve recently become turned onto green tea (which is great for detoxing from nicotine I’ve found out!) and echinacea tea with just a touch of lemon. When I lived on my own, I started getting into herbal teas and finding new ones and learning about herbs was something that I really enjoyed. Therefore, I’m getting back to what makes me feel good.

Goal #4:
Workout regularly.
This is another great habit that I used to have, which actually helped me quit smoking before. Then life happened and it just seemed like I never had time to do it. But I need to make time, because the way I’ve been going isn’t doing me any favors.

Goal #5:
Write more.
At least once a week, no less. Writing is a huge stress reliever for me, which again, I’m not sure why I don’t do it more often. I guess I focus too much on what’s bugging me than actually doing something to counteract it and redirect negative energy. I used to keep a journal of things I was thankful for and I wrote at least one thing every day. It’s amazing how it changes your way of thinking and personal well being.

Goal #6:
Do more of anything that is good for my soul.
Like taking baths. This is actually one thing I did do tonight. I soaked in some lavender epsom salts, and tried to really relax my mind. It was amazing and everything I needed.

 

So there we have it. My new goals and I am determined to stick to them and I will! You should be hearing from me more often now that goal #5 is officially written down.

Until next time… ❤

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The Remarkable 30

Bouncing Back.

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So I’ve done something I swore I wouldn’t do again and I’ll get to that in a minute.

As I’m typing this, I’m sitting here drinking my decaf green tea and also thinking about laying in my cozy bed and reading my new favorite book until I fall asleep. But before I venture to that part of the world, here’s a little catch up on my life.

First off, there’s been a lot of changes going on in my life in the last few months. I started a new job and I got married for starters. Married life is great, nothing really different than our normal life of living together, except now I get to call my best friend my hubby. And what is better than that?!

My new job is just that, a job. I finally make decent money to actually be able to pay my bills again, but the stress of it sometimes is not worth it. But, you have to do what you have to do. My dream is still to ultimately work for myself, some may say it’s a silly dream, but I hope to one day make that dream a reality. I know it may take time and it’s not easy, but I’m willing to work for it like I have been for these last however many years. If you want something bad enough, eventually you’ll get it.

With that being said, the one thing I swore I wouldn’t do again was smoke. I quit 2 years ago and with the amount of stress that my job entails, I unfortunately have picked it up a few more times than I would like in the last month. So I’ve made a decision not to do it anymore. I worked out for the first time tonight in a few months and I remembered exactly why I quit. The feeling I get after working out is a million times better than the feeling of inhaling and exhaling smoke. It’s not easy by any means and tomorrow I’m probably be telling myself “it’s ok to have just one”, “one more and then I’ll be done,” etc. But in the long run, I know it’s worth it. I remember how good I felt when I kicked the habit and it’s amazing how addictive it can become in such a short amount of time. I could also kick myself for ever allowing myself to get so frustrated that I went and bought a pack, which led to another pack, and then another and then another.

So here’s to starting over and making my body healthy again. Writing has helped me through a lot of things so I’m sure you’ll be hearing a lot more out of me. Kudos to anyone out there who is in a life changing boat!

Short Stories

Knock from the past.

There was a knock on the door. I looked at the clock and realized it was only 6:00 am. No wonder I drank so much coffee these days, I thought. I reluctantly pulled myself up from my little kitchen table, dragging my feet to the front door. I opened it and nearly dropped my cup of coffee.

It was him.

“Um, hi,” I said once I recovered. I immediately regretted my decision to open the door. My hair was pulled up in a crazy beehive bun on top of my head, leftover makeup still smeared around my eyes, and I was dressed in my comfiest, although the least bit attractive sweatpants and an old, almost see through band t-shirt, but thank the lucky stars I actually put a bra on. I officially looked like a hobo.

I couldn’t believe he was standing here. Jake, who left me standing at the alter in front of three hundred people because he wasn’t sure where he was headed in life, was standing on my doorstep.

“What are you doing here Jake?” I asked when he still hadn’t spoke.

“Hi,” he said. His baseball hat was on backwards, he had a 5 o’clock shadow and he was dressed in worn out jeans and a black and white baseball tee. His blue eyes still shining bright, the reason I fell in love with him in the first place. They let you see right into his soul and once you did that was it, you were stuck.

I took a sip of coffee. He was starting to look uncomfortable and I had to admit I was enjoying it a little bit.

“Would you like to come in?” I asked.

“Really?” he said without hiding his surprise.

“Well, I’m not really sure why you’re here. And considering you never had an explanation for leaving I thought maybe you’d like to take this time to explain it to me.”

It all just came out. Eight months of wondering what I did wrong, what I could have done different, and a million other questions about my self-uncertainty had been left unanswered when he left.

“I’m sorry. I know you deserve an explanation and I’ll do my best to give you one,” he said as he struggled to find the right words.

As much as I wanted to rip his head off for what he did to me, I could see he was struggling with something inside. So, doing what I normally did, I decided to give him thebenefit of the doubt. I pushed open the door and motioned him inside. He walked in with his down and sauntered towards the kitchen, he knew the place as well as I did considering we lived there together for nine months before the wedding that never happened. I took a deep breath and followed him, my heart about to jump out of my chest. Now it was time to listen to what he had to say.

The Remarkable 30

A Colorful Life.

Do you ever look at life as being colorful? When I think of creating, writing, reading, road trips, taking a walk, etc. I think of everything filled with color. A vibrant life.

When I think of being tied down or stuck, everything around me seems dull. Gray. Bland.

I think that’s what part of my problem is with being in a relationship with someone who already has kids. It’s a very hard situation to be in. It’s hard on your self esteem and on pretty much every aspect of your life. I found an article last week that summed it all up and actually made me feel like less of a crazy person.

When it’s not your kid, you look at everything they do with your head first and then your heart. If you’re the parent, it’s the opposite. When I read the article, it made everything make sense because I never once looked at it that way. But that doesn’t make it easy. Not in the slightest.

For me to deal, I create. I write, I paint, I design. Anything to get any kind of negative or upset energy out of me, I try to turn it into something positive instead of self destructing as I used to. The last few months have been a little rougher in the kid department, so I’ve been busier than normal you could say. It’s not that anything is bad, it’s just different. Split families are very difficult to say the least.

A huge part of me would love to be able to pack up with Kev and my dog and move to North Carolina and just see where the water would take us. Wilmington would be my first choice, we’ve been there once and it’s exactly where I would want to be. A little part of history and art all in one.  At the same time, I love the home we’ve made and we can always visit those little towns and cities where I get that sense of freedom back. And I truly believe that’s what it is, I feel that I’ve lost the sense of freedom that I once had with myself. So that has to do more with me than anything else around me, although the situation doesn’t always help matters.

Life is too short to worry about who wants to be in yours or who doesn’t. You can’t control what a kid does or says when the’re not with you and I’m proud of my accomplishments and the life I’ve chosen. So, only time will tell what will be in store for the future. In the meantime, I’ll work on continuing to make my life more and more colorful everyday. Most importantly, I’ll make sure that I’m the one that’s happy with it.

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The Remarkable 30

A new adventure begins.

 

 

So in my last post, I was giving up my business.

That has changed.

I love what I do and it’s truly a part of me. Instead of giving up on my true love, I was able to find a full time job, that will also allow me to create while still getting more time with my family, which means, I also have time for my business. It makes my heart happy and it starts tomorrow.

I can’t express how excited I am to have a normal life again. I missed my nights and weekends. This is the first weekend in months that I haven’t had to go into work on a Sunday afternoon and I absolutely love it. In a way, the last six months also feel like an experiment. A test for myself if you will, to see what I really wanted in my life. Lucky for me, I was fortunate enough to find it and fight my way through.

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I hope this next chapter is a good one and I’m able to hold my head high and succeed even in the rough times. I’m blessed to have some very special people in my life who believe in me even when I don’t.

My adventure awaits… until next time ❤

 

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The Remarkable 30

Life lessons.

Have you ever just known something? Really known it? And even though not everyone understands your journey, to you it makes sense? I’m at that point right now. I’m about to give up something that I’ve worked really hard to achieve but it doesn’t bring me happiness anymore. Honestly, it just brings more stress and lately I’ve been ridding myself of that any chance I get.

That’s right, I’m about to give up my business.

I just don’t see the point in working 24/7 and not spending any of my time with people I care about. So basically, I’m giving up something I do still love, for something I love more. I may not have the love to create for people anymore, but it’s still my baby.  That being said it has been a hard decision, I’ve been torn with it for quite awhile. But as tough as a decision as it’s been, I truly believe it’s the right one. I have two other jobs, a third one in the mix isn’t exactly practical.

The thing is, I’m looking forward to creating for myself again. Doing things just for fun. Sitting down and reading my book, not worrying about getting a design finished for a client. I know I said in my last blog I was determined to make this business go full time and I really was. But when I faced reality, I only had enough work to make me go absolutely crazy with my other 2 jobs. It’s not worth it anymore. There has also been a recent death in the family that just put everything in perspective.  Life is short and we need to embrace it. I’m far from being a millionaire but I’m very rich in lots of other ways and those I’m not willing to give up.

Until next time… 🙂

The Remarkable 30

A wanderer.

 

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So recently my life has changed quite a bit. I went from working at a printing company, and making great money but dealing with not so nice people who didn’t appreciate what I could do and tried to dumb me down daily, to working at a financial institute which was not my thing, to working at a fast food/convenience store as well as a newspaper which are surprisingly me and I’m actually treated like a real person. All of my own doing and I’m not complaining whatsoever. I’m actually happy. I admit money can be a little stressful and I might be exhausted at times, but my soul & spirit are in a much better place and eventually I’ll end up where I really want to be, which is working for myself full time. I know this because I am determined.

People may look at me like I’m crazy and wonder what the hell I’m doing, but guess what?They’re not me. I’m definitely a wanderer, I’ve completely come to this realization as of recently. And I say that with pride. I would rather search and jump to get where I want, than to stay somewhere I’m miserable and feel like I can’t escape.

It took me a little while to accept all of this, mainly because I started questioning my choices and wondering if I really had made a mistake, even though I knew deep down that I didn’t. I’m where I’m meant to be and I think this journey I’m on now is going to start making bigger and better things fall into place in my life.

The best thing about all of this is that even though my schedule is crazy and I barely get to see anyone, I fee free. I feel less stressed. I feel happy. Those are three feelings I was not expecting but it’s a happy surprise.

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The Remarkable 30

Don’t underestimate me.

This post was actually written a few months ago but I still wanted to post it. 🙂

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It’s amazing to me how hard people work at trying to tear others down. I don’t understand it. I don’t see the point in making someone look bad, just to make myself look better. If people want to run me over so they can get ahead with that big yellow bus they’re driving, then I say bring it on. But, I’m not going to back down or go out without a fight when I did nothing wrong.

That’s what’s wrong with society. People aren’t true anymore. Most just try to get ahead no matter what and only look out for themselves, not realizing that if we all just worked together, they would get further than they ever knew was possible.  It’s very rare to actually find a good person in this world, so when you do, don’t let them go.

I used to let my emotions rule me, and as much as I hate to admit it, I let it happen at work (granted, I was going through a lot but I still shouldn’t have let it happen). But, I don’t anymore. It’s a job and it pays my bills, I do my work and go home. Yes, there are people who are stomping me into the ground as we speak because in my eyes they’re scared, when all I did was do my job. But you know what? Let them stomp me into the ground. What they’re doing to me, shows their true character, not mine. Maybe to some  that sounds like I’m weak, but I’m not. I’m still standing up for what it is right, but I’m approaching it in a different way. A more professional way than my superiors by far.

“Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.”

Maybe I’ve grown in the last few months. Maybe I’ve seen what is truly important in life. I believe in good vibes and I definitely believe in karma. What’s meant to be will be and me stressing out, worrying and getting pissed off does nothing but make me miserable. So I quit. I threw it out in to the universe for someone else to grab on to, until they too realize it isn’t worth it.

This was a quote I found a few weeks ago when I felt like nothing was ever going to be made right.

“I hate the fact that some people get judged for being real while some are getting loved for being fake.”

Eventually the truth comes out though and the glass walls come crashing down. I know what is right and that’s what matters. I refuse to let someone bully me into becoming someone I’m not. Where before I would have cowered and ran away, I now stand my ground and use their hatred, rude comments and snickers to drive me on my journey.

I know what it’s like to deal with the “mean girls”. I had to in high school and I’m doing it once again and I’m 31 years old. But this time I’m stronger and this time I won’t back down. I’m wiser and I would like to thank them for pushing me to do my best, whether they realize it or not.

“In life you’ll meet two kinds of people. Ones who build you up and ones who tear you down. In the end, you’ll thank them both.”

 

 

 

 

The Remarkable 30

Listen to your spirit. 

Inspiring words. What do they mean to you?

There are different things that excite my spirit, writing being one of them. Give me something creative and my spirit comes alive. I live in a world full of color, without it I feel my life would be boring. I don’t like to have the same thing as everyone else, I have my own style. I don’t do things for show, I do them because they make me happy and I’m not worried about what anyone else thinks about it. Creating is what makes me truly happy in my soul, not going to a store and buying something else I don’t really need. I think if we ignore these calls, our spirit gets slowly crushed until we’re just a shell. A zombie almost and I refuse to play a part in that. So when something calls to your soul, trust it and follow it. Don’t sit on the sidelines.

The Remarkable 30

The Act of Quitting. Yes, I am a Quitter.

Everyone says not to be a quitter. But there are some things that statement doesn’t apply to. Last Thursday, April 21st, was one year since I quit smoking, one whole miraculous year and I couldn’t be happier. It wasn’t easy by any means. It was definitely one of the hardest things I have done but now that I have officially accomplished it, I am so proud of myself for having the strength to do it.
It’s amazing how much better I feel. I don’t miss smelling like it, I don’t miss spending the money on it and I definitely don’t miss being out of breath after going up a flight of stairs. One thing I know is that no matter how many times people tell you you should, it’s not something you do unless you’re absolutely ready to. You have to see it for yourself and you have to quit for you, not a person or a situation. I tried different things to help me in the past but nothing stuck. This time, I just quit. I made up my mind one day that I was done and I was.

I enjoy more of the little things than I used to, even down to the way things taste and smell. This is something that definitely started coming back after months into this journey. And now if I want to go and buy a book at the bookstore, I can and I don’t have to decide between that and a pack of cigarettes.

If you want to do it, you can. You just have to have faith in yourself.